Happiness Upon Hardship

(The following is a conversation between a girl named Myiesha and a psychologist named Aaliyah. Myiesha has a rare genetic disease and Aaliyah has been asked to speak with the young girl about her understanding of the condition that is plaguing her.)

Aaliyah: Hello there. My name is Aaliyah. I work here at the hospital, and I was wondering if we could talk for a little bit?

Myiesha: (A big smile brightens up her face). Sure, I’m Myiesha.

Aaliyah: Oh that is a pretty name. How old are you Myiesha?

Myiesha: Eight.

Aaliyah: The reason I am here is because I have been told that you are kind of sick and I wanted to talk to you to see what you thought about that. Would you mind telling me how you got to staying here at the hospital?

Myiesha: I’m here because I got sick the day my mom, dad, and brother died.

Aaliyah: Oh, I see… do you mind telling me what happened that day?

Myiesha: Well, we were all going to go out to eat at the new place, but before we left I wasn’t feeling good. My tummy hurt, so my mom left me at my friend’s house. I went to sleep and when I woke up, Mrs. Ali said we had to go to the hospital to see my family. When we got there, a lady told us that my family was in an accident and they died from drowning in the river that the car fell into. The last thing I remember is that Mrs. Ali hugged me, but then everything went black. I woke up the next day and the doctor told me I was sick and I had to stay in the hospital for a while till they fixed me up.

(Unsure of what to say next, Aaliyah sits in silence for a few moments trying to think of the right response)

Aaliyah: Did the doctor explain to you what is wrong with you?

Myiesha: Yes. He said I have something called Batten Disease. It only happens to kids and is very rare but I’m one of them. He said that it makes you shaky and it makes you so you can’t move right. Oh and he said that it makes you not be able to see. He didn’t tell me something, but I heard some nurses talking about it. They said that one day I won’t wake up like my parents didn’t wake up.

(For the first time, Aaliyah realizes that Myiesha is already blind from the disease as the girl sits in her wheelchair staring at the floor, but holding a composure unlike that of a child, but similar to a mature adult.)

Aaliyah: Myiesha, how do you feel about all of this?

Myiesha: Sometimes it makes me sad, but it also makes me happy too.

Aaliyah: How does it make you happy?

Myiesha: (Another big smile lights of the girl’s face)

Because God loves me so much that he gave me a special life. I hurt a lot, but God made it so I am special and that I see life differently. God also loves me so much that he gave me a chance to go to heaven. Even though I hurt a lot, God uses it to make me a better person. One day I will get to see my family again. For that, I would go through any pain in this world. We forget that this life is only here for a little while; someday we will go to our next life and that’s when living really starts. Anything we go through now doesn’t last, but one day we will have a great life. We can’t forget that.

(With tears in her eyes, Aaliyah bends down to hug this little girl that has shown so much courage in her time of pain; this young girl that sees past this life to the beauty of the next. Aaliyah had never met anyone like her before, and doubted she would ever meet anyone like her again. As Aaliyah hugs Myiesha, she makes a resolution in her heart that she would do everything she could to help others who are suffering. She would do everything in her power to show others this courage and love this little girl has shown her.).

This Cloth That I Wear

This cloth that I wear, beyond it is a beauty that I hide.
The physical appearance is not what's inside.
My heart, my love, my brain, and my knowledge is what shall be.
For if you miss those, it is not me that you see.

Hearing of oppression only makes me ponder,
Why do people think you can't see what is yonder?
For you can't see the wind even as it blows.
Yet you still believe the wind is strong and that it grows.

Why can't they see me from behind my hijab?
I do not veil for them, I veil for God.
If you can't accept me for what you can't gaze your eyes upon,
Then you don't really know me and I guess you'll never see,
That I am not oppressed, I am free.

The Memories

They're coming after me. I try to hide, but they always find me. Even in the darkest corner, I'm not safe. The thoughts of what they'd do to me, nearly drive me insane. I am not afraid of them, I am terrified of them. I don't know what to do. How do I escape them? How do I free myself of them for good? They have found a way to tear at my heart. A way to enter my mind. If they find me, I'll be forever doomed. I can't allow them, the memories of my past, to break my soul.

Hidden Emotions

We keep things hidden inside that we are too afraid to show. When we have nowhere to turn, we push our feelings down and try to pretend that they don't exist. We cover ourselves with a mask as though, with that mask, we are freed of our emotions. If we are lucky enough, our trick will work for a while until the inevitable happens and our hidden thoughts burst up and overwhelm us. They feed on us until we break down and face them. Tears help to wash away the feeling of helplessness and loneliness that can break us if we allow such to happen. We can never rid ourselves of these, but we can try to take control of them so they don't hurt as much.

Secrets

We must be careful when exploring the places we have tried to keep hidden. For once we open the door to those unrevealed places, we don't know what unforeseen thing lies behind it. The secrets that we bury will return to us at a speed that we cannot stop. When we decide to uncover that which is repressed, we must bear the burden that comes along with such. We must carry the responsibility of what we discover.

There Are Things Which We Never Speak Of

There are things which we never speak of. There are things which never cross our lips. Even though our minds and eyes say them, we have an unknown fear of actually bringing them to audible words. For if they are heard, it is as though we are vulnerable. We are vulnerable to the only thing that we believe to control by ourselves. Thoughts like these are the ones that prevent us from opening up to the ones we trust. We feel as though we can’t share these thoughts without having some consequence brought to us. Even our closest friends and loved ones never know our innermost feelings. They do not truly understand where we come from because we lack the ability to express ourselves fully whilst having this fear of being vulnerable to openness. We don’t know if there will ever come a time that this fear will be wiped away and lack the inability of bearing ourselves, however, we must always believe there will one day be a time that we can do such.

The Darkness' Hold

The darkness has a tendency to distort and influence your thoughts. When you are in the light, the darkness has no control over you. Once you return to the darkness, the light is of no aide. The light brings about peace, and the darkness brings about uncertainty. Things which seem fine during the day appear distorted at night. I don’t know if it is because of the loneliness and solitude found at night, or if it is because the light is nowhere to be found. Either way, I always dread those hours spent in darkness. My mind races and my heart hurts of uncertainty. I doubt myself and I fear that which, during the day, gave me little grief. There is no way out of the darkness, and the only way to come to terms with and deal with it is to realize that it has no power over you. It is only an illusion that your mind perceives as a reality. This false reality only has a hold on you whilst you allow it to. Once you let go of the fear, the darkness loses its power.

Inside

My eyes don't even dare look at my reflection. It is not my outside that bothers me, it's my inside. No one sees what I do not allow them to. I do not show them how I really feel and I do not show them my true self. I fear that if I show them my true self, that I will become vulnerable to them. If I do not share my heart, then I do not have to deal with the inevitable pain of it breaking. Lately, I do not know what to do. I feel myself becoming weak inside. I have allowed the outside world to influence my emotions. Sometimes I feel that if we had no emotions, that we would be a lot better off. Emotions always end up ruining things and hurting us. I wish I could just become hard on the inside so that it wouldn't hurt or bother me any longer. If I had a shell around my heart then nothing could come close enough to harm it. Nothing would hurt me ever again.

DATE UNKNOWN... REMEMBERANCE OF MY STRANDING

For the past three nights I have had nightmares. I don’t get much sleep since I must always remain alert for the various dangers lurking behind every crevice on this island. However when I do sleep, the nightmares always chill me to the deepest core of my body. The dreams always start out the same. In the dream I am on a plane. I am sitting next to a Muslim woman in her mid-twenties or so. She is covered beautifully in black with a small child sitting on her lap. The girl-child of hers has the most beautiful smile I have ever seen. As I look into the child’s eyes, I see a peace there that I have long searched for. Is it that this child knows no hardship that would break her heart, or that this child is not clouded by the negative influence that surrounds other humans? Such an influence brings the toughest of creatures to their knees. This child’s eyes intrigue me beyond reason, beyond explanation. I asked the little girl what her name was and she replied “Maha”. I in turn said “Salaam Maha. You have a very beautiful name, Masha’Allah. My name is Fatima”. The smile that Maha gave me seemed to melt away my problems. As my mesmerization with this child began to wear off, I felt the whole plane jerk. I kept repeating over and over that this was normal even though I knew that it wasn’t. I knew that the chances of surviving a plane crash were slim to none, but I couldn’t loose hope. I prayed that the plane would stay in the air. I prayed that the pilot would get us there safely. However, most of all, I prayed that the precious little child sitting next to me wouldn’t be hurt. All I could hear were screams of anguish and despair, worry and concern, hopelessness, and yet wails of hope. I have never been in such a situation as now. I didn’t know if I would live or die, but all I cared about suddenly was how I lived my life. I was thinking of all the bad things I have done rather than focus on the current catastrophe. The back of the plane was ripped off and I saw dozens of people fly from their seats. I was frozen to my seat, all I could do was look at Maha and in her eyes I saw fear. The fear in her eyes gripped me and terrified me. Just as the plane was to collide with the water, I awake. I never get past this part of the dream, but what I do recall in my dream, terrifies me. I am forced to wonder if this is how I got on this island or not. It would of course make sense, but I don’t have the evidence to prove it. As of right now, I am accepting that possibility as the solution to the question “How did I get here?” For now all I can do is try to survive on an island that I now call home.

DAY UNKNOWN: REMEMBERING WHAT I HAVE FORGOTTEN

Since I have been on this island for no one knows quite how long, I decided that I would make my stay as pleasant as can be. I found better wood to make a stronger and more comfortable shelter from and I also found a large piece of plastic, which I have no clue where it came from, to make a door out of. A while back I had made a knife out of some glass-like stone I found. It has surely served a great purpose and I use it for various chores such as cutting fish, stripping bark, and carving. Today I decided to use it to carve some furniture, or the closest I can come to it, for my new home. It’s sort of weird to think about, but I do consider this awful island my home now. I have been here for quite some time, and I don’t know if I shall ever leave. To me, it would be horrible to die without knowing some place as a home. Anyways, after a good portion of the day was spent carving furniture, I found that it was quite easy to make chairs and whatnot. Furniture out of the way, I decided to take a walk along the beach and see if anything new was happening. I love to stroll down there, with a slight breeze blowing against my skin and the sun shining down on me, not in a horrid weather way, but in a soft comforting shine. Strolls always relax me and make me, for just a little while, forget about my problems. Every time that I am alone like that and at peace, I get this feeling deep inside of me as though I am forgetting something very important to me, however I can never remember what it is. This day, however, I remembered exactly what it was as a flow of words came from my mouth, “Laa ilaaha ill Allah”.

DAY UNKNOWN: A REALIZATION OF MY PAST

I don’t know how long I’ve been on this island. Every morning and every evening seem the same to me. I don’t know if it’s just me, or if it is what happens to everyone who is stranded on an island. However, I don’t really recall many accounts of island strandings, besides the crew from Gilligan’s Island. I have noticed how my hygiene has somewhat declined, but what’s to be expected in such conditions as I am currently in? Some may say that I am becoming crazy and delusional. Heck, I would if it wasn’t me in the situation, but since it IS me…I know that I am still somewhat sane. If being insane saves me from spending the rest of my life on this island, then so be it. I found a small suitcase today as I was searching for some of those berries I have come to love. I realized that it must had washed ashore while a tide came in. I didn’t know whose it was, but I looked inside it anyways. Inside I found various items that I somehow subconsciously remember. I found a mirror and turned it over slowly so that my reflection was staring back at me. It’s the first time I have seen myself since waking up on this island and not knowing who I was. So it was sort of like seeing myself for the first time. My hair was down to the middle of my back and my hair had definite damage done to it, but this wasn’t important to me anymore. Whilst looking at myself in the mirror, images I’m supposing are from my past, came back to me. I saw myself standing in the halls of a high school surrounded by a few close friends. I had on a long black skirt and a hot pink top. After remembering that little bit about myself, I looked down at my current appearance and wondered what had happened. I used to be so beautiful and now as I look at myself, I wonder where my beauty has gone. I sat down and thought on this for a long time, finally realizing that I sacrificed my beauty for my survival. It doesn’t matter what one looks like on the outside, as long as the inside has the right intentions. I decided that if I ever do get off this island, that I wouldn’t allow materialism to rule my life anymore.

DAY 8... FOUR DAYS SINCE THE CREATURE

It's been four days since the night in the cave. I haven't seen the creature since then, but I don't doubt the possibility that it is probably still lurking around. Sometimes I get that feeling of my every move being watched, but then again I might just be paranoid. Since the encounter with the creature I have decided to start using my head. I moved my camp to the cave and created a door-like structure that I could easily use when the need would arise. I also loaded up on objects that could be used as weapons. I've gotten alot better with fishing. Now I can catch my meal with ease. Also, I have found some fruit that is delicious beyond words. I came across something interesting in my searches of the island. I found a skeleton of what appears to be a small child. In finding this, I assume that I am not alone on this island. If I can find other people I might be able to be in a better situation than my current one and perhaps even leave this nightmare. I haven't searched the whole island. I try to stay near my camp so that I don't get lost. Who knows what other creatures are out there waiting for a fresh meal? I haven't encountered anything other creature than that one that tried to kill me. I count that as a blessing. There is no answer that I know of as to why I am on this island, but I am determined to find out. One day I will know who I am. One day I will remember my name. One day I WILL get off this island.

NIGHT 3..MIDNIGHT FRIGHT (continued)

I crept out of the shelter and took a break for the shoreline. That is the only place I knew of so I had to try there first. As I was running I was looking back over my shoulder to check for the creature. Noticing that it wasn't coming, I decided to head for a cave that I found the other day. The cave was located in the woods so I changed my direction and headed for the cave. Being in the dark,l I wasn't exactly sure that I could find the cave but I had no other option. Behind me I could hear the creature howling, and as I continued on, the howls grew closer. I then realized that I had to make it to that cave if I were going to survive. This cave was discovered whilst I was searching for food. At the time, I didn't pay much attention to the finding of the cave since it didn't seem too astounding, but now I've realized that it may be my only hope for survival. If I can only get to the cave, I might be able to block myself in somehow. The howling grew closer with each stride I took. The cave was only right up ahead, not the much further. The entrance was instantly visible and I was thinking to myself "I'm almost there, almost safe". I ducked into the cave as I heard another howl of the creature. Quickly I made a fire with the stuff I grabbed at the last minute from my shelter. Peering around the cave, I noticed a small passageway that I could fit through. The creature was right outside so I crawled in the passageway. I crawled as far as I could and then stopped. I could hear the creature scrapping around in the cave. I needed a weapon if I was to defend myself. My hand ran across a sharp stone. I took the stone in my hand for futhur examination and found it to be possibly a useful weapon against the creature. Apparently the creature caught my scent because it made its way over to the passageway. Luckily its size didn't allow it to get too far in, but it was trying its hardest and I was afraid somehow it would find a way. That way was being found as the creature somehow inched its way forward towards me. Panic overtook me and I began flailing. I then remembered the rock i had in my hand. Since my arms were free to move about, I took the rock and threw it as hard as I could at the creature. Whimpering told me that I apparently harmed the creature, so I took more rocks and threw them at the creature. Finally the creature had taken too many hits and limped away. I was taken by joy and fear at the same time. I was joyful that I was still alive but afraid of what else was yet to come. I awaited for the sun to rise and I slowly made my way out of the cave. Seeing nothing as I looked around in all directions, I made my way back to the shelter. Something came to my mind that someone close to me would always say, "The Man With No Imagination Has No Wings". If I was to survive, I'd have to start using my imagination.

Night 3... MIDNIGHT FRIGHT

I don't know what time it is, only that it's nighttime. I awoke because I heard a noise outside my self-made shelter. I know it's not very stable so I sit quietly waiting for whatever made that horrid noise to leave. Since it is dark outside I don't know what exactly it is, but I am assuming it is the creature from near the coconut tree. I have to admit that I am actually scared. I thought that the loneliness was the scariest part so far..NO! this is.. this waiting to see what will happen. As the shelter isn't as stable as it should be, I back up into the corner that is built against a huge boulder, in hopes that it will provide some sort of protection for me. Using the rocks of mine, some twigs, and some bark I start a fire because I am hoping that if need be, I can light something on fire to scare away the creature. I can hear it as it comes closer. It's breathing can be heard already. The breathing is heavy and I can tell it's craving something. What that something is, I do not know. However, I do know that it's after something and I am praying that something isn't me. Its shadow is getting closer and I really don't know what to do. I can't move because I am glued to my spot by fear. How can I run if I have nowhere to run to? It's apparent that the creature is used to its surroundings and that frightens me. I know that if it was between the creature and me, I'd surely lose. I don't have many options so I decide that my best chance of survival is to run. Despite my instincts I decide this. Am I crazy? I surely don't want to go out there with the creature, but I have no choice if I wish to live.

TO BE CONTINUED....

Day 3... FISH

I've decided that I can no longer eat the berries that I find near the forest nor drink the coconut milk for my food. I need some kind of nourishment so I decided to try and catch fish. When I sit on the beach, I see the fish swimming to and fro, and with some practice I think that I could catch some to eat. I remember how mother used to cook the fish at home. She had her own recipe and you could always taste just a touch of lemon. I miss her so much, and I wonder if I will ever see her again. I don't know why I can remember my mother but not myself... but for some odd reason I do. I remember how she'd tell me stories of pirates and islands and whatnot. She had such an imagination. Getting back to my current situation, I decided to try to catch some fish so I made a spear-ish type thing out of a stick. I sharpened it using some nifty rocks I found. The same rocks I used to start a fire last night. Finally I am learning to survive in this unknown place. With my spear, I headed off to the water. As I went to step in the water, some forgotten fear caught hold of me and told me not to go in the water. Had it not been for my growling stomach, I would had listened to that fear. A school of fish were swimming around only a little ways ahead of me, so I got my spear ready and headed out to where they were. As their bodies reflected the sunlight, the most amazing colors formed in front of my eyes. My stomach brought my mind back to the task that lay ahead of me. With the spear raised above my head, I waited and waited until I thought that I could catch one. The spear came down with all it's might into the water, and as I pulled it up, there was no fish on the end. I could handle the first time, but after the fifth and still no fish, I was getting frustrated. I decided that I would try one more time and if it didn't work, I would just wait until tomorrow to try again. I lifted the spear above my head one last time and waited for a fish. When I saw the fish, I brought the spear down but not so hard this time. As I brought the spear up, I saw that there was a fish on the end! My joy cry could have been heard all the way to Antarctica..wherever that may be. I took my prize and went back to my camp to make a fire. Once the fire was going, I cleaned the fish and roasted it over the fire. Even without the lemon, it was one of the best things I've ever tasted. I have come to realize in my isolation that the things we think are important in life usually aren't as important as we fool ourselves into thinking. Take Care.

Day 2... THE CREATURE

I survived the night. It was only by God's will that I did. I have yet to establish an opinion on my current situation. The night brought about fears that I never knew I had. Every sound, every movement, and every breeze of cold air sparked fear and nervousness into me. I know that most of my worry was in my head, but I still have yet to search the island and determine what all is here. I still have no recollection of my past. I wonder if I will ever remember who I am. Really all I care about is finding a way home, wherever that may be. Something interesting, yet frightening, happened when I was searching for food this morning. I found some more coconuts in a tree so I went to climb the tree to get the coconuts and out of nowhere I saw this creature underneath the tree. I'm not exactly sure what it was but it was the ugliest thing I ever saw. It was covered in brown fur and walked on four legs. At a far glance one might mistake it for a wolf, but upon further look they'd see that it was not a wolf, nor anything like they have ever seen. While I was up in the tree, it caught my scent and tried to get me. It's teeth were very sharp and shiny. I had no weapons, only coconuts. So I grabbed a coconut that was closest to me and hurled it downwards with all the force that I could conjure up. The coconut hit the creature on the top of his head and the coconut cracked open. When the milk dripped down, I realized that it was tainted red. The Creature howled out it's agony and I thought it might try to attack me again, but it whimpered off as if it knew that it was going to lose. After I was pretty confident that the creature had left, I climbed down out of the tree and ran to my shelter. I huddled close to the wall in case the creature came back. I didn't know what to expect as night started to fall. The only thing, however, that I did think about was getting home..no matter where home was.

Day 1... THE UNKNOWN

I would introduce myself but i don't really remember who I am. I know it sounds odd, but it's the truth. I woke up this morning with the sun shining down ever so brightly onto me. I gazed outwards and saw what I am guessing is the ocean. It's beautiful beyond words, but I have this nagging fear of it for some reason. Anyways, back to me.. I don't know who I am so you can just call me Bob for now. When I woke up this morning, my throat was so unbelievably dry and my stomach felt as tho I hadn't eaten in years. My primitive survival instincts must had kicked in because I went and looked for food and found some coconuts in a tree, so I cracked them open and drank the sweet succulent milk from them. It soothed my throat and I felt better. After I ate and washed up some, I decided to search this unknown place I am in. What I found I can not explain for it is too harsh for ears of those who have never experienced anything like this. But i shall say that it has scarred me for life and I wish that I had never seen it. The sun is starting to rise so I am going to try to build a shelter from the sun. So I must part for now, but I shall return... if I am still alive.

Time

Time isn't always as we perceive it. One day, a minute could seem like an hour. Another, an hour could seem like a minute. We fool ourselves into thinking that we have time. Time to do all the things we put off daily. Time to change ourselves into the people we wish to be. However, this is only an illusion. We think we have time to do things later when in reality we don't. Watches, clocks, and dials have kept time for us over the years, but we have still have failed to realise that we do not own time, time owns us. Everyone's hourglass, which contains their sands of time, varies. Someone's might be half-full whereas another's is quickly running out. No one knows when their destined time will come, and no one knows in which way it is coming. All we can do is live our lives while trying to be the best we can be. We can't wait around for time, and we can't allow it to pass by. For once time is gone, we can't get it back.

Alone

All alone in the dark, i can see nothing any which way i turn. I can hear nothing but the eerie calm of silence. My heart skips a beat as my imagination begins to plays tricks on me. How i got here, i do not know. I am just as clueless to where i am as to who i am. A name is such a simple and instinctive thing to know, but i do not obtain this basic knowledge of myself. I do not know my past nor my present. This darkness terrifies my senses and makes my insecurities take flight. I don't know if i will be able to survive such emptiness as that which surrounds me. I can feel it grabbing at me. It tears like claws into my soul. It has already taken my identity. The only thing left for it to steal is my life. Life is such a precious gift that one should not give up easily. We only receive one, so why should something that doesn't deserve it be allowed to take it? The coldness is getting unbearable. My body shivers and shakes with the wind. I can feel my life slipping, but i won't give up... i can't give up something that i hold so dear. It will just have to rip the life from me.